I realize that the following post is pretty deep, and shows my insecurities. It probably even makes me seem more vulnerable than I am. I've been writing and re-writing it for days, and it wasn't until today that I worked up the nerve to actually post it. I finally decided that this is my life, and this is my blog. And if it does nothing other than get some of this off my chest, so be it. Here goes nothing...

Obviously my emotions have been all over the place lately (as in the first 6 months of this year). My year-long relationship fizzled. My rebound relationship (which was WAY more real than the year-long one) ended. I've been watching the marriage of two people that I love fall apart. I've got a friend in a very controlling relationship, (which reminds me of the one I was in with my ex-fiance) and she doesn't seem to be able to see the red flags. All of this is really starting to make me question love and relationships and marriage... to the point that I'm just not sure it's worth it.

I've allowed myself to be vulnerable one too many times. I've given all that I have to another person on more than one occasion and was left completely heartbroken. I'm just not sure that I believe there are people out there anymore, that actually buckle down and fight when the going gets tough. I think they are more inclined to just peace out instead.

Taylor Swift wrote a statement explaining her thoughts behind her album Fearless. In the notes, she wrote: "To me, “fearless” is not the absence of fear. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is falling madly in love again, when you’ve been hurt before. No matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and Prince Charming and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs, I think love is fearless."

When you think about it long and hard, it makes sense. I believe I am 'fearless' to a degree. I have a ton of fears and lots of doubts. However, I just don't know that I am that 'fearless' when it comes to the rest of that. Like I said earlier, I'm having a really difficult time wanting to fall in love, or believing in happily ever after. With all that I've been through in my life, not just relationship-wise, I'm much more skeptical. And unfortunately, I'm seeing all too often, people throw in the towel and walk away. I'm afraid of having my heart broken. I've been there, done that. But what I'm completely terrified of is having it shattered. Because I'm not sure there is a fix for that.